No Phones at the Urinal

It is pretty sad that I actually have to write this down, but if I were President, one of the first (and there are many) Executive Orders that I would sign would make mobile phone usage near a urinal a Federal Offense.

That’s all I should have to say, but I’ll say more, just for fun…

Fellow guys, seriously, if your junk is in one hand, WTF is your phone doing in the other hand. I can’t think of anything positive that comes from that combination – NOTHING. At least not anything legal – Good Lord!

Your friend can wait, nobody wants to hear you pee, the text is not that important, etc.  Are you really that bored that you need to browse social media while you pee? Are you peeing for that long? If so, get to the damn doctor! 

And what about the poor person next to you (aka – me)? Think about how awkward it is to be peeing, and then the dude next to you walks up with phone in hand – and doesn’t put it in his pocket?! Again, a really bad combo. Now we both have our junk in our hand and you have a phone in your hand – nothing good there. Nothing at all. At least not for me.

The “fix” is easy – put the phone in your pocket. Tell your buddy you will call back. If you are stuck on a call or something, mute yourself, pee quick, and move along. It’s not that complicated.

But for those of you morons with no consideration for others, or maybe feel that the bathroom was put there specifically for you and I am clearly trespassing, there will be President Joe’s Executive Order…

The punishment would be more severe based on proximity to the urinal, activity, etc. Here is my suggested scale:

Note: All punishments are doubled if you engage in conversation with the person next to you.

Here’s the t-shirt that I will be producing soon:



I trust I can count on your vote…