Ninja Death Bird

red-winged blackbird



So today I thought I would amuse you a bit, and maybe offend a few of my animal-loving friends. Today’s blog is all about the Red-winged Blackbird, otherwise knows as “Ninja Death Bird”. So here we go…

Let’s just say that if I were lucky enough to get one of those magic Genie lamps where you rub it and get three wishes, one of them would be to eliminate this bird from the planet. (this would be the offensive part) I’m not sure what purpose they serve in nature other than to piss people, and other animals, off. I’ll get to the people part in a minute, but on a recent walk all I saw from the Ninja Death Bird was evil and aggressive behavior. They were attacking other birds, as well as themselves. I kinda might get them going after other birds – like a bird gang war of sorts. But when you start attacking your own gang, that’s where it crossed the line for me.

They are just an angry, aggressive, evil bird. All they do is attack things – whatever they see basically – and for no apparent reason. How does that possibly benefit nature? Are they just the ones that have to take the heat so that the other birds look cute and adorable?

So onto my personal experiences with these demons.

In my frequent cycling days (a while ago, but hoping to do more of that, which is the topic of another blog), I used to encounter these messengers from Satan on a regular basis. If I were lucky enough for it to be a sunny day, then I would at least see the shadow before they hit my helmet but they would swoop down off the phone wires or telephone poles and come after me randomly. Not every time, not every spot, and not every bird – or so I thought. They are pretty sneaky that way so I could never tell if it was the same bird just following me, or if one bird just passed along the “hit” to his buddy on the next pole. They all look the same, especially when waving frantically while trying to keep a bike upright and not swerve into traffic.

Wait a minute – I think that was their master plan all along! Swoop down on me while a car was passing at 65mph so I’d swerve and get run over. Make it look like an accident. Pure genius. Bastards.

On my walk the other day, for the first time in a long time, I was attacked by these demons with wings. Again, much like on the bike, there was no pattern to the attacks and I couldn’t tell if it was same evil bird coming at me or his buddy on the next tree. And there were no cars around, so their “accident” plan to get me run over wouldn’t work. Maybe they just wanted to make me look like an idiot to my neighbors by walking around waving my hands around in the air like I’m trying to hit a ghost.

Hang on – I think I just figured out this plan too. I was always by water when attacked, so maybe they wanted me to stumble into the pond and hit my head on a rock and drown. Another “accident”. Damn these birds are smart.

Which is why they need to go. I’m just not sure how to pull that off since they are so damn smart. So I’m going to write my Congressperson and ask that some funding be allocated to study the behavior of these demon birds. Given the dumbass studies that I have read about being funded in the past, I should be able to get a few million to cover this one. Think of the lives we would save. Or at least the embarrassment.

For my neighbors that had to see we walking and waving like an idiot the other day, I hope you were amused. I was not.

Write your Congressperson – put a stop to this Ninja Death Bird!


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