Guaranteed Weight Loss!

Here it is folks – Joe’s guaranteed weight loss program. With these maybe not-so-easy, yet effective steps, I can promise you will lose weight. Ready? Here we go:

Step 1: Have surgeon (preferably, but if unavailable a Boy Scout enough badges will work) cut “small” (in very relative terms) incision in your neck, just to one side of your throat.
Step 2: Instruct surgeon to push throat approximately 6-7 feet to one side for safe keeping.
Step 3: Remove a random disc and screw a couple vertebrae together (NOTE: Make sure that the pressure on the pneumatic wrench is set properly or the screws will come out the back – not recommended – tends to ruin any shirt with a collar)
Step 4: Retrieve said throat from Step 2 and place in roughly the same spot that you found it. (TIP: Use your iPhone to take a picture before you move the throat – just to make sure it is still connected correctly) If you forgot to take the “before” picture, then just eyeball it and make sure it at least “looks” correct.
Step 5: Stuff everything back in and glue shut.
Three significant benefits to this:
1 – Your neck is now much stronger (as long as doc didn’t set the air pressure on the wrench too high)
2 – You are now entitled to at least a one-week supply of that fun opiod stuff that all the kids are raving about (TIP: cancel all business calls during your opiod phase. If you don’t cancel your calls, then please record them and share them with all of us.)
3 – Your throat is guaranteed to be out of “alignment” (technical term) so only very small and/or liquid things make it down into your stomach.
The 3rd point is really the major benefit. The first two are just a bonus really – #3 is what bring is all home.

Think of it this way, with a now smaller and likely misaligned throat opening, less calories will make it in and by definition, you will lose weight.


Oh wait, there is one catch. If you decide to try to stuff a big ‘ole bite of a Portillo’s Italian combo sandwich in your mouth, I can promise you that it will NOT make it down. You will either just have to spit it out, or someone will have to use a plunger to force it down. I have heard, that is not the best way to enjoy a sandwich.

One other tip – you will no longer eat “three square meals” per day. You will go from that to approximately 57 very tiny meals a day. Items I have found that work the best are:

– Applesauce
– Pudding
– Jello (only after you swish it around in your mouth for a while)
– Anything you can sip through a straw

Oh yeah – do not even waste your time with bread, unless it’s blended. Trying to stuff a dinner roll down your gullet would take a full-on Roto-Rooter team to do.

Good luck folks – Happy Weight Loss!

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