In the interest of public service, and having nothing to do with making millions by my company going public at some point or being purchased by Warren Buffet, I have designed a method of measuring your “true” age (patent pending). I’m sure you know what your biological age is, but you know the old saying “you are only as old as you feel”? Well, I figured that was as bit too subjective so wanted to come up with a better way to measure “true” age.

What is great about this approach, is that you can use it on your spouse, significant other, roommate, etc. without them even knowing. Then when they brag about feeling young and vibrant, you can promptly correct them. It’s great “ammo” to use in any argument or randomly toss out there at a party.

So here’s the test:

Step 1 – Wake up
Step 2 – Get dressed

That’s it.

Two ways to make it more “advanced:

1. Start by lying, face down, buck naked on the floor
2. Test should be administered first thing in the morning

The patented part is how to rate, measure, and score yourself (or spouse, significant other, etc).

There are two variables in the scoring:

1. The number of sounds you make in the process of going from step 1 to step 2
2. The intensity of said sounds

Now for the scales to use for scoring…

Number of Sounds

• 0 – 5 = You are either an elite athlete, less than 21 yrs old, or a freak of nature
• 5 – 10 = Only a cup of coffee and 2 ibuprofen (Vitamin I) needed to start your day
• 10 – 20 = Hang in there, grab a handful of ibuprofen for your day
• 20+ = You should consider grinding up ibuprofen and sprinkling it on any and everything you eat/drink.

Intensity of Sounds

• Stage 1 – Nobody heard you get dressed = 0 points
• Stage 2 – Bedmate rolled over, dog opened eyes = 5 points
• Stage 3 – Bedmate told you to be quiet = 10 points
• Stage 4 – Bedmate asked if you were OK = 15 points
• Stage 5 – Bedmate had to assist you = 20 points
• Stage 6 – Bedmate called 911 and knows the EMTs by name = 50 points

To calculate your final score, add your two numbers, square them, divide by your age, multiply by your weight in kilos, divide by Pi, and then submit that number to your doctor.

I’m working on developing an app that you can just start and it will count and measure for you and then, if necessary, just dial 911 for you (for those without a bedmate). The paid version of the app will record the process and post the video to YouTube for public shaming.

And of course, I am applying for millions in government funding for this clearly necessary public service.

You are welcome.