Artificial Intelligence – A New Application

So, one of my last blogs was about how we all suck at communication (yes, me too). If you think you are different or “special”, then you are wrong. If you missed that blog, it’s worth checking out – just click HERE.

In the interest of trying to correct this crappy behavior, I just submitted my patent application for a new way to utilize artificial intelligence.

Forget about Siri, Alexa and all the speech recognition BS (I hope they aren’t listening to this) – that’s all crap. And sure, it’s handy to order a pizza with a Tweet or tell my wrist to remind me to grab some groceries on the way home. Great stuff, no question. But my new “app” (or whatever it ends up being) will be “YUGE”!

I am going to use artificial intelligence to “grade” everyone on their
communication behavior, etiquette, manners, etc.

Yeah, I know, we left grading in college right? Not true – you are always graded, don’t kid yourself – they just call it something fancier (annual review, assessment, career conversation, or whatever).

So again, referencing my prior blog about sucking at communication, the BIG issue here is almost always response time, or lack thereof. And you can’t manage what you can’t measure, so my new app (which will be installed in ALL mail servers causing my net worth to top that of Amazon) is going to “measure” just how responsive you are with your communication.

Ignoring your boss? Pretending you didn’t get that text? The email went to “spam”?

I will have an “app for that”!

I can’t reveal the super secret formula that we will be using to measure everything, because then the North Koreans would get it and we’d all be in trouble. But I can reveal the grading system. It’s really simple:

Every email that you get from someone that you “should” be responding to (this is where the secret formula comes in), gets graded:

  • A – response in 4 hours or less
  • B – response in 12 hours or less
  • C – response in 24 hours or less
  • D – response in 48 hours or less
  • F – everything else

And yes, of course, we will consider time zones, working hours, etc. Come on – it’s artificial intelligence – we can do anything!

If your overall score for that “account” (email or text) is an F for more than 3 months, then it’s simply disabled.

I haven’t yet worked out what you’d need to do to re-enable it, especially if it’s a business account. But we would work with your company to coordinate some sort of donation, community service, or (of course) there is the good ‘ole public shaming approach.

And yes, repeat offenders would have tougher penalties.

Maybe we’ll just add your communication “grade” at the end of every email so everybody knows exactly where you stand. That would activate the competitive nature of many folks. Then again, that might increase workplace violence as well. Need to research that one a bit.

So there you go. Look for the “app” soon and your organization to come up with some really long, multi-page, policy on it. Probably some required HR training and maybe a pin or something you get to wear if you have an “A” grade.

Feel free to suggest a name for this application – I haven’t made it there yet.

I can almost see the millions rolling in…