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Aimless Banter

What do I do on the airplane on a 4+ hour flight where they announced that the WiFi is not working?  Two things:  1) Write and 2) Drink (not necessarily in that order).  So here we go – more random thoughts – for your entertainment only.  Please consult your physician before reading – restrictions apply…

  • Can we finally consider WiFi on a plane a necessity? Like a utility?  I’m not saying it needs to be regulated, but if it’s not working, shouldn’t at least ONE drink be on the house?
  • Why do some people leave like 10 feet in front of them when they are in line? To the point where you feel the need to ask them if they are in line.  Then they look at you like an idiot and why are you asking.  Maybe if I punch them in the throat and they fall over, they’ll be closer to the person in front of them.  Are they afraid of the next person?  Is that person gassy?  Are they?  It throws the whole system off.  And yes, stresses me out.
  • I used the painfully slow hotel WiFi to download two movies to my iPad that I was going to watch on this long flight. Well, even though I waited a LONG time for them to download, I get a message that says it cannot authorize them.  I’m going to bet a dollar it’s looking for some internet connection to validate the downloads somehow.  But I’ll also bet a dollar that I already paid for them.  So if I already paid for them, what is there to authorize?  Can I bill them for the drinks I was obliged to purchase since the WiFi doesn’t’ work on this flight?
  • I have to admit that the two flight attendants currently taking care of us in dirt class are pretty nice. The one keeps bumping into me, but apologizes all the time.  I told her it’s not her fault that I am too wide for their midget seats.  But she was pretty tiny – maybe it IS her fault.  She’s too damn small – affecting the grading curve for us big guys.
  • What if I started an airline called XL Air? Could I cater to the big people out there?  Or would 1) a bunch of small/average people buy up the seats just to be comfy or 2) would a lot of “bigger” people be offended?  There is a store called DXL, which I love – that’s not offensive  But I bet an airline somehow would be offensive.
  • Did I mention that the WiFi is “inop” on this flight? I don’t think they stocked enough Dewars to get me through to Chicago.  If I start to slur my words, at least you’ll know why.
  • What’s with people at airline lounges that can’t silence their phone? Is it really that hard?  I get it if it happens once – you forgot – then you silence it.  No biggie – we all forget.  But three times!?
  • Have you heard of the Drunk History videos? If not, check them out – funny as Hell.  What about Matt Bellassai?  He’s on Facebook and eventually posts them to YouTube.  His is gay and gets drunk and rants about something for about 5 minutes.  Really funny stuff.  What about Drink or Truth?  Also funny.  And yes, another alcohol theme – but that loosens everyone up a bit and makes it funnier.

So here’s my thought.  1 shot every 10 minutes – focus on one topic and talk/write about it for a minute.  I’m guessing video would be funnier – but writing might work too.  Here’s the schedule:

  • Start – do a shot
  • Minute 10 – write/record
  • Minute 11 – shot
  • Minute 20 – write/record
  • Minute 21 – shot
  • Minute 30 – write/record
  • Minute 31 – shot
  • Minute 40 – write/record
  • Minute 41 – shot
  • Minute 50 – write/record
  • Minute 51 – shot
  • Minute 60 – FINAL writing/recording
  • Rest of the Day – RECOVER (might involve some hash browns, or an Egg McMuffin – maybe even Taco Bell)

Why all the waiting?  First of all, pretty darn hard to do six shots in a row without throwing up.  Secondly, it buys some time for the alcohol to take effect, which would make the video/writing MUCH more interesting.

Who’s in?  What do we call it?  Would my kids be amused?  Embarrassed?  Proud?  Offended?

  • If you are sitting on the aisle seat, what is the limit for the people on the inside to go to the bathroom before you start charging or tripping? I’m going with 1 per 4 hours.  If the flight is less than 2 hours, sit the Hell down.  2-4 is the gray area I think.  What is your vote?
  • OMG – I just saw a “comb up”, not a combover. No lie.  His hairline started at the back of his head and went forward.  How does that work?  What do you do in the pool?  Windy day?  Taking off your hat?  Wow – that might have been the worst I have ever seen.  Had to share.
  • Hankerchiefs – other than maybe crying somewhere, am I the only one in the universe that believes they are freakin’ GROSS!! Let me take a rag out of my pocket, blow a bunch of snot into it, crumble it up, stuff it back in my pocket – and then do it AGAIN!  Do you have like zones or something in your hankerchief?  First blow it into Zone 1 – then move on to Zone 2.  After 8 blows, toss it in the wash?  Even then – do you really need/want to carry 8 blows of snot in your pocket?  Am I allowed to skip shaking this person’s hand and them not be offended?  What if I reach down my shorts and perform a major league “adjustment” – are you gong to shake my hand then?  How is that any different?

Oh yeah, and why the #($*&^!@) do some people look at/study whatever they blow into anything?  Are you a scientist?  Is this some sort of study?  Are you taking a sample?  Something for your doctor?  WTF!?

OK – this is on Page 3 in Word – that’s enough random stuff for now.   Thanks for coming – try the veal…and tip your server!



  • Todd Underwood

    Supremely aimless banter… but it all had to be said. Thanks for getting it out there Joe!

  • Dave perez

    Hilarious Joe! You should do a show like Seinfeld. Point out obvious problems with people. Btw, my wife does the “looking at what came out” of her nose every time. Drives me nuts and when we’re in public I remind her were in public😜

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