Top Hits = Top Scam
I wanted to fill everyone in on a MAJOR discovery that I just made. This may disrupt your world – cause you to lose your mojo – upset your chakra – turn your aura black – or just generally piss you off. I haven’t slept the same since I figured this one out. So I apologize for ruining your day. I hope you aren’t driving while you read this.
So here we go…
The Top 40 Hits (or whatever countdown you listen to) IS A TOTAL SCAM!
(I am hearing the wailing and gnashing of teeth now. Casey Kasem is rolling over in his grave. Some distant gunshots, police cars being flipped over and set ablaze, stores looted, and of course, lots of babies crying)
OK. I’m assuming that if you are still reading this, you are done with your looting and burning of random stuff. So let me explain the bulletproof evidence I have for this. I’ll never forget when I figured it out. I was driving past my usual Starbucks listening to the Top forty-whatever hits on “Hits 1” on XM Radio (channel 2 if you are keeping score), which I listen to so I can learn all the words and then embarrass my daughter by singing them when all her friends are in the car.
That aside, they were on number 35 or something like that and introduced the song. It was the song “Hello” by Adele. I almost swerved my freakin’ car off the road. A quick Google search tells me that this particular song was released on October 23, 2015 – approximately 7.5 months ago if I’m counting right. A non-scientific study I just did tells me that in that timeframe, this particular song has been played approximately 2.765 billion times. (that is billion, with a “b”)
With those obviously clear-cut facts in front of me, these Hits 1 people expect me to believe, that with the zillions of other songs out there, which unlike “Hello” does not inspire assisted suicide, that of all these other songs there are still apparently a LOT of people still requesting the joy of hearing Adele belt out “Hello” for the 2.765 billionth + 1 time?
I’m sorry, but my extreme hatred of that song aside, NFW is that the case!! I can’t believe for one second that our society is that numb to music that they (whoever “they” is) would both a) be dumb enough to want to listen to that horrid song again and and even if so, that b) they would take the time to either call, text, email, or submit a request to do so. Besides, based on my deep study of the effects of that song, most of those people are likely near death anyway.
So it is OBVIOUS that either Adele has incriminating pictures of someone, or someone in her camp is sleeping with someone’s sister’s cousin’s uncle, or something like that.
RIGHT!? Am I missing the boat here? Do YOU want to listen to Adele and her lovely ballad “Hello” yet again? Please, for the love of all that is sacred, tell me NO!
Again, “Hello” rant aside, I really can’t believe that there are that many people that want to hear that song again – at least not over all the other songs that they have to pick from. I am not suggesting that everyone has to have the desire to stab their eardrums when they hear that song like I do. But seriously, it wasn’t that good of a song to begin with – certainly not worth a Top 40ish 7.5 months later.
So there you go. I hope that my case is as clear to you as it is to me. And yes, this is yet another instance of where the government should fund some serious research. It’s obviously a conspiracy. Maybe not Kennedy-esque, but worth a few mil for research.
And don’t get me started on why Taylor Swift is ALWAYS in the Top whatever. Ugh…